Satan is always trying to corrupt the truth through religious dogma, and one of his priority targets is men. He will do anything to keep us from fulfilling our kingdom purpose including being the leaders in our homes, churches, and world God made us to be. He knows if there is a revival to be had in the church today it will start with devout, bold men of faith stepping up and refusing to fall to his deceptions and the nature of their father, Adam [apathy and pacifism]. So, I’m about to be bold here and step right out on to one of the “third rails” men aren’t supposed to talk about.
The purpose of this article is to ask if we have done just that by elevating a man’s duty to his wife to a level just below his relationship with Jesus Christ and above his duty to follow Him. Can we find this notion that a man must first be a perfect husband with a perfect marriage before he’s worthy to do anything else for the kingdom in the Bible? I don’t believe so, but we sure preach and teach it as gospel, and it has dumbed men down to a purpose and calling far below the high calling of Christ. I believe it has become one way the Enemy keeps men on the sidelines and the church in its current Laodicean state.
I have written in the past concerning the curse of the daughters of Eve [what many now call “the Jezebel Spirit”], which is her “desire” to take his place, now running rampant through our society and today’s church. In many cases, women have become the dominant forces in modern marriages, and modern Christendom’s system is certainly set up to cater to them. They have been given the power they desire by apathetic men, and it is making it increasingly difficult, even if they want to, for all men to be one with their spouses spiritually.
I’m not saying men should be domineering, abusive, or disconnected from their wives in an effort to go out and serve God. But what is a man to do when he is earnestly seeking a closer relationship with his wife, and even reconciliation over a broken relationship, and she’s not having it or for whatever reason it just isn’t working? I know many good, sincere, repentant men trying valiantly to restore intimacy, both physical and spiritual, to their relationships with little success. Do they let that stop them dead in their tracks in pursuit of God until they figure it out? By giving in to this myth, many men are concerning themselves more with why their marriage isn’t perfect than why their journey towards the kingdom is lacking.
While there are indications several of the disciples and apostles were married, and therefore we can assume some had children, there is no indication any of the wives or children ever came along on their missionary trips. While the NT is one story after another of what men of God accomplished as they followed Jesus into their mission and purpose, and how He led and instructed them all along the way, why can’t we find one story—not one—we can refer to of a couple dealing with the challenges of married life and how God led them through those. If marriages came before mission, why isn’t there one book out of 27 in the NT dedicated to what that looks like?
A review of many of the great men in the Bible tells us why God does not put the priority on the marriage relationship modern Christianity seems to:
- Job: We could certainly look at Job as a rare example of a good husband and family man, and yet God literally turned Satan loose on him and his family, the fallout of which was his children being killed (Job 1) and a wife who counseled him, “Curse God and die!”
- Abraham: Oh yes, the Father of Israel who twice tried to sacrifice his wife to save his own skin, took a concubine to have children because he was impatient for her [and God] to give him one, and almost slew his own son? Really?
- Noah: After God uses him to literally save the world, Noah gets drunk and passes out naked. His youngest son happens to see him and tells his older brothers, so they cover him up. Noah, no doubt during his hangover, curses his youngest son for seeing him in that state, taking none of the blame himself for being drunk and naked. Thanks dad.
- David: I could go on and on about this totally unique individual of whom God alone said, “This is a man after my own heart who will do all my will,” for he was perhaps the most dysfunctional family man (check out 1-2 Samuel) in the Bible. And the tragic story began with his first wife, Michal, “despising” him for dancing before the Arc of the Covenant as it was being returned to Jerusalem.
- Solomon: This one who gave us the Proverbs containing all that wonderful wisdom relayed to his son about staying away from prostitutes, being wise instead of foolish, etc. had hundreds of concubines [kings, it would seem, didn’t need prostitutes to perform the function the common man hired them for because they were provided for free] and nearly ruined himself by doing everything God told him not to do with the fame and fortune his wisdom would bring.
- As mentioned before, the disciples who were married all left their families to pursue their kingdom assignments. Did Jesus instruct even one of them to go check with his wife to find out if it bothered her? If the marriage relationship was the priority the modern church has made it, why didn’t Jesus simply pick men to follow Him who weren’t married so His call upon their lives wouldn’t make them stumble?
- What about Jesus? If marriage relationships were second in the pecking order of importance to God, before mission and purpose, why wasn’t He married? He spent His short life on earth being a teacher and living example to His disciples concerning what He wanted them to accomplish after He was gone, so why wouldn’t He spend any at all showing them an example of something that was, according to today’s teaching, more important than that? On the contrary, He called His men away from, and not more deeply into, their families. Perhaps He was trying to tell us following Him came above everything, including our marriage relationships, and there wasn’t even a close second.
- I may not remember them all, but I believe the only story of a perfect marriage in the Bible is found in Proverbs 31, where the wife is doing all sorts of wonderful things while her husband “sits in the gates,” doing what the most respected and godly men did in that day. She was fulfilling her purpose while he was fulfilling his mission and they were both respected and content. In any event, you will have to go to the time before Jesus said, “Follow Me” to men to find any stories of good husbands and family men.
“But Mike, but Mike, aren’t we to love our wives as Christ loved the church and lay down our lives for her?” Certainly, just as Christ did lay His life down and now offers redemption and His kingdom to His bride, the church. But if some don’t receive it, and all didn’t, is He going to wring His hands over them and go no further with others who would because He’s now “worthless in the fields of ministry?” He spent His short life reaching out to, teaching, healing, and ministering to those precious lost sheep of the House of Israel and they all stood as one crying, “Crucify Him!” Did it deter Him in the slightest when His “bride” rejected His advances? Not at all and thank God for that.
When speaking to His disciples after He commissioned them and told them to go out into the cities to find those who were worthy, He said, “As you enter the house, give it your greeting. If the house is worthy, see that your blessing of peace comes upon it. But if it is not worthy, take back your blessing of peace. And whoever does not receive you nor listen to your words, as you leave that house or city, shake the dust off your feet” (Matt. 10). He was telling them to do their part, but if it just wasn’t going to work, move on! And this is exactly what He does.
Now, if you’re cheating on your wife, unloving, aloof, abusive, or just uncaring then, by all means, focus on that for a while for that reveals deeper issues in you that will keep you from God in other areas. But if you’re loving your wife to the best of your ability and it just isn’t working, move on in your quest for your kingdom purpose and leave your wife in God’s capable hands. Paul said in Romans 12, “If possible, so far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all people.” If you are doing all you can that’s good enough. Only God can change your wife’s heart.
Finally, the one who said we were to love our wives as Christ loved the church also said, “One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided” (1 Cor. 7). I find this fascinating, that somehow a man being married to a woman turns his interests not only to pleasing his wife but “being concerned about the things of the world!
This sets up the classic battle between the kingdom of man and the kingdom of heaven on earth. How many warnings are there to remain free from the love of the world? Didn’t John say, “Do not love the world, nor the things in the world” (1 John 2)? And didn’t James warn us about the double-minded man [divided interests]? If a man is married, he cannot help but have divided interests. Marriage is a powerful experience, and the union of a man and woman indeed creates “one flesh” (Mark 10). But we can never let the things of the world keep us from the kingdom of God.
Your kingdom calling must take, as it always has with God, first priority. You can still honor your marriage and your family by continuing to do your best. By all means, a man should strive to be a loving, forgiving, humble, encouraging and responsible mate for his wife. But he is also to lead her. Elevating a man’s responsibility to his wife above his responsibility to actually follow Christ, where he gains and sustains the ability to lead his family, takes that responsibility too far. If you allow the enemy to stop you in your quest for God and His calling on your life because your marriage isn’t perfect, ask yourself if that’s honoring Him.
What I think this is really all about is the enemy using religion [as always] to hold men back from the kingdom, for he knows if men awaken to their high calling in Christ his kingdom will suffer greatly. Like never before in history men, like Adam in the garden, have stepped back from their godly position and handed over control to the daughters of Eve. The result was the fall then and, looking at the current state of both the church and society, the same is true today. Yes, guys, honor and cherish and serve your wives as best you can, but never at the expense of your kingdom calling and purpose!
There. I said it.
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